The Joy of the VA

A little over a year ago, I got the opportunity to enroll in the VA Health Care System. Let me tell you, these guys don’t screw around. They even have two different emergency rooms, one if you have a physical emergency, and the other if you simply flip out. And if you need it, they aren’t stingy with the painkillers. They actually ask you if you are experiencing any pain. I think this is pretty admirable, given that I’ve had post surgical pain before (not at the VA) and one doctor said that he didn’t believe that my pain was that bad. How the hell would he know? This was a gynecological procedure and I seriously doubt that he had any clue at all of what it might feel like. Mind you, he might have been going through a gender change and through some weird osmosis, started feeling all the pain that is unique to womanhood. But I don’t think so.

Let’s get back to the VA. Aside from the excellent care (and no, I’m not kidding about that), there is high entertainment value that you might never expect.
There’s a reason for that. Many VA hospitals are teaching hospitals for some very well regarded medical schools. I won’t name names, but let’s just say that the hospital I use is affiliated with a major ivy league university located in a relatively small New England state, which is also known for having an organization where some heads of state have been affiliated during their college years. The organization sounds like it would be right for a medical school. I won’t say any more. I’ll leave it to your conjecture.

One entertaining encounter I had was with a fledgling oncologist. He checked for new lumps and then noticed that I had a large pink scar on my upper right chest. He asked me what it was. I let him know it was for a port, namely, the device that a surgeon implants so that nasty poisons can be circulated through one’s system. You know, what doesn’t kill you makes you strong. Chemo is pretty nasty shit. But what made it so weird and oddly funny is that oncologists specialize in cancer. I guess I could have said that I had a really ugly tattoo removed, but it was worth it to see his face turn beet red when I explained the origin of the scar.

Of small entertainment value was when I was admitted to the hospital in the morning during rounds, a senior physician would come in, followed by a bevy of fledgling doctors. They were so cute! It was like watching a group of ducklings following the mother duck into my hospital room. Of no entertainment value was the food. It was even worse than the boxed meals we used to get on the flightline during alerts. Definitely gag worthy.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve been telling you all of this. It’s to demonstrate the benefits of having access to your local veterans’ hospital. And now you’re probably wondering, how do I cash in on all this medical goodness? Well, I’m just the person to tell you. Join a branch of the military. It doesn’t matter which these days, because even Air Force personnel are being trained for fodder duty. Speaking for myself, I’d be more impressed with the urgency of the war if Barbara and Jenna joined. Unfortunately, it’s not my decision. But I’ll bet the war would end really fast if they did.

Once you’re in the service, stay alive. It could be dicey, but just keep thinking of the brass ring that is the VA. And avoid the boxed meals at all costs.